The Doctor Is In

by / Friday, 04 April 2014 / Published in ES Confidential

I admit it. I have a guilty pleasure. One I take part in only in private, when I know no one else is watching. One that secretly makes me giddy, despite the fact that I never discuss it openly with friends or family. I can’t help it….I flock to it like rubberneckers at a car wreck. I love Dr. Phil!

I know, it’s a total stereotype. Stay-at-home mom watching daytime talk shows! Luckily, I’ll only be a stay-at-home mom for a few more days. And even more luckily, I now have DVR so I won’t have to worry about missing any episodes!

I can’t help it. The man just tells it like it is. He says all the things to people that I wish I could say (especially to the parents of my students!) Oh I know what all the naysayers say. “He’s not a real doctor.” Yeah well neither is Dr. Who but no one seems to be questioning his authority on anything! Listen, Dr. Phil may not be able to prescribe medication to his guests, but the heavy doses of reality he dishes out are just what the doctor ordered!

Here are just a few of my favorite Dr. Philisms:

Saying: “How’s that working out for you?”

Meaning: “Stop doing what you’re doing. Even a blind man can see you’re an idiot!”

Saying: “This ain’t my first rodeo.”

Meaning: “Cut the sh!t! Nobody’s buying it!”

Saying: “You can be right or you can be happy.”

Meaning: “Shut the f%$@ up. Justifying your behavior isn’t fixing the problem.”

Saying: “Never miss an opportunity to shut up.”

Meaning: “Shut the f%$@ up!”

Saying: “If someone out there doesn’t agree with me, then somewhere a village is missing its idiot.”

Meaning: “I’m right. You’re stupid. Deal with it!”

Saying: “You can’t play the game of life with sweaty palms.”

Meaning: “Quit being a p*$@y!”

Saying: “Opinions are like asses….everyone’s got one.”

Meaning: “You’re an ass!”

Saying: “Those who have nothing to hide hide nothing.”

Meaning: “You’re a lying sh%#head!”

Saying: “Do you think I just fell off the turnip truck?”

Meaning: “Not everyone is as big a dumb ass as you are.”

Saying: “No matter how flat you make a pancake, it always has two sides.”

Meaning: “Let’s go to IHOP!”

Looks like I just outed myself! I’ve been a closet Dr. Phil follower for years and now it’s time to come clean. Because as the good doctor always says, “you can’t change what you don’t acknowledge.” So now that I’ve admitted my sin, change can commence. Phew! It’s like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Finally! I can start watching the show AND commenting on Twitter! #Dr.Phil!!!

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