Celebrity Apprentice Anonymous

by / Sunday, 13 May 2012 / Published in Can't Argue With That

As a general rule, I avoid reality TV like traffic jams, technology, or the neighbors’ kids when they’re selling wrapping paper for their elementary schools. The main reason for this aversion is because there is nothing “reality” about them! Sure, the cast members don’t work off scripts, but believe me the right editing can make a piece of film footage look like anything you could imagine. It’s true! I’ve seen editing that made the cast of Jersey Shore look like people!

But despite the illegitimacy of these so-called “reality” shows, I have found myself unwittingly glued to one every Sunday night. I’m embarrassed to admit it, but I’ve become hooked on Celebrity Apprentice.

It wasn’t my fault! I swear! I had to watch last season because, as Meat Loaf’s biggest fan, I am required to watch every piece of cinema and small screen offering in which he makes an appearance. It’s in the contract. I figured I would watch an episode or two until they killed him off, since Meat has been type-cast as “the guy who dies” in every movie he’s ever been in. (Seriously! Look at his filmography…Fight Club, Black Dog, The Rocky Horror Picture Show, Spice World….oh wait. He didn’t die in that last one. Everyone who saw it wished they had!) I never would have dreamed he’d make it to the final 4 contestants!

Meat Loaf is my excuse for watching last season and I’m sticking to it. He is the only reason I threw random objects at the television when Mark McGrath was fired. (Jake was not happy to be a part of that!) Meat is why I cheered when Mr. Trump finally fired Gary Busey. It is because of Mr. Loaf that I care who Nene Leaks is.

So it stands to reason that I can be forgiven for watching an entire season of Celebrity Apprentice. Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for watching a second season. There is no justifiable reason why I am cheering on Clay Aikin, which is shameful just because it is but also because it violates my strict rule against supporting any and all things associated with American Idol. I am defenseless in my disdain of Aubrey (who?) O’Day. I can’t condone my anticipation over each episode’s guest appearance by Donald Trump’s hair. I suppose I can pardon this irredeemable behavior by pleading spousal support. While most men have crushes on Katherine Heigl, Emma Watson, or Lois Griffin, my husband would stray for one night of unbridled passion with…..Debbie Gibson. From the 80’s. Yes…he wants to shake her love.

Oh who am I kidding? Folks, I have a problem. I am seriously addicted to Celebrity Apprentice! I spend 6 days a week anxiously awaiting the clock to strike 8pm (I’m on central time) Sunday night so I can watch people famous for careers of which I have never heard backstab, name-call, undermine, and self-promote all in the name of good business. I wait with baited breath to see if Spongebob will step up as project manager. I get giddy waiting for Donald to utter those two life-altering words….”tax break”. Errr… I mean, “You’re fired.”

Ladies and gentlemen. My name is Emily Steele. And I am an Apprentiholic. I can’t argue with that!

Photo by Gage Skidmore

2 Responses to “Celebrity Apprentice Anonymous”

  1. Kim Barr says : Reply

    I totally know where you are coming. All it takes is an appearance by someone you like, to get you glued in front of the boob tube anxiously awaiting an episode of some show you formally would have just assume stick a needle in your eye than watch! I am a Real Housewives of New Jersey addict, I reluctantly admit that! I, however, never gave a passing glance to Celebrity Apprentice. Now, it is ME, who anxiously awaits every episode because of the appearance of Teresa Guidice! I happen to think that might be more pathetic than why you started watching! I also love Meat Loaf! In my high school days, I had another addiction, THE ROCKY PICTURE SHOW, which ruled my Saturday nights for longer than I care to remember!

    I conclude, that we all do crazy things in the name of fandom! Once that spark turns into a full blown fire, we have no other choice, but to see it to the end. Hopefully, this season of Celebrity Apprentice, will not end with the most self centered, bottle redheaded biatch Aubrey as the winner! That might kill me or cure me of reality tv all together!

  2. Well thank you for making me feel not so alone in my shame! I never watched “Real Housewives” but I have to admit, I liked Teresa on “Celebrity Apprentice”. She was a lot smarter than I would’ve thought.

    I guess we’ll both probably be stuck watching it next season…maybe we should start watching together!

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